Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
