dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
