I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
