it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just forgot I was standing up.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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