im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
