when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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