Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
