I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
