my phone needs a breathalizer
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
