Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
