my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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