the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
