Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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