My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
