how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
