his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
