there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
