Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
