Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
