I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Im part way to drunk.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
