i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
