so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
