Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He told me they were just razor bumps!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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