you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
All the doctor said was why
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
