Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
