Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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