I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
