Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
