There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Your cock deserves a montage
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
