A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
