It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
