wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
