she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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