i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
