We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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