I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
