the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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