none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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