the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
