Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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