we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
