I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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