Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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