I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
