I will die if light touches me.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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