i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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