cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
