Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
