I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
