did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
