youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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