I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
